I decided to enrol on the art class partly because I wanted something gentle and creative to do while recovering from treatment. I've spent 6 months doing very little other than work and having treatment, but I know that my energy levels won't suddenly bounce back to how they were before. I loved painting when I was at school, and I've always wanted to try it again. Plus my friend Jana has been attending this class for a couple of years, and she has been producing some wonderful work, so in a way it was a 'tried and tested' class. So I went along last Wednesday, excited to be doing something new and wondering what I would learn. The class is made up of about 8 people (although I think more will join us in week 2), many of whom have been attending this particular class for many years. Some of them have even sold paintings! The teacher is an artist herself and for week 1 she led us in a collage exercise so that we could create compositions that we will eventually paint. I had never done anything like this before, and I found it quite interesting, as ideas generation has always been the area where I fall down. I think this is why I have so often copied paintings in the past, but of course original work is what we should be striving for.
I think I had failed to appreciate the significance of this class in so many ways relating to my cancer. This was the first time I had done something new, and met new people, since my diagnosis back in February. Before diagnosis I would not have thought twice about putting myself in a situation where I was meeting new people. I am generally quite confident in social situations and love meeting new people, but on Wednesday I felt vulnerable and unsure of myself, and I leaned on my friend Jana who was also in the class, almost clinging closely to her. I'm sure they are a lovely bunch of people, but I felt awkward and self-conscious about how I came across. The cognitive impairment brought about by diagnosis (sometimes called 'chemo brain') is very real, and I still struggle to be as fast and articulate as I used to be. So when the teacher asked me conversationally what artists I liked, my mind went blank and I could not think of any! I madly searched the recesses of my mind but struggled to know how to answer. I then felt so self-conscious about sounding stupid and disinterested (I'm in an art class for goodness' sake! And I can't name any artists I like!) which made the whole thing even worse.
The other challenge I faced was whether or not to actually tell them I have cancer. While I've been open and candid with the people in my life over the last few months, these were people I was meeting for the first time, with whom I was going to develop a relationship over the next 11 weeks. I was reluctant to be 'the cancer girl' -- I'm very conscious of not wanting to be defined by this. Therefore I decided not to tell them, and simply present myself on face value. But then of course my challenge was that 'face value' is a very depleted, fatigued girl. By 9.30pm I was exhausted, and running out of steam. I almost started to shut down! But I'm much younger than most of the people in the class, so how do I explain that it's way past my usual bedtime and I have very limited energy these days due to treatment? To compound this, that day was the first day I ventured out of the house without a headscarf on. In retrospect I feel that it was way too early (I've worn the scarves ever since). Although I'm excited about finally growing some new hair, it really is still very short, and I garnered many more stares than I ever have with the scarves. So I suppose they also had no explanation for my appearance either.
Perhaps I'm making too much of it, but all I know is that the evening had a significant impact on me emotionally. I got home and cried and cried. So many thoughts were swimming around in my head. I will have to re-learn how to socialise. I have to learn how to navigate meeting new people and whether (or how) I reveal my diagnosis. I physically can't do what I used to be able to do. I have to learn how to 'be me' when I have changed significantly. I'm sure that over time it will get easier but it was quite an unexpected shock to be feeling these feelings from something as unassuming as an art class. I also then grappled with whether or not to return to the class, as I am worried that if I don't, I may never re-learn how to navigate the world, and that, a bit like falling off a horse, I really ought to see it through.
I suppose the main lesson is that which I've been conscious of all along. My mental health is just as important as my physical health, and I need to practice just as much self-care in nurturing my emotional resilience as I do resting and looking after my body. I will grow stronger both physically and mentally over the coming weeks and months, and I will need to also make adjustments in my life, both physically and mentally. Once again, I need to ensure I'm not too hard on myself, and I give myself time to find my 'new normal'. So I shall go back to class this week, and try to be as strong as possible, and it will get easier each week. And who knows, I may even paint something awesome!
My new baby fluffy hair
A biomorphic collage
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