So now that I've seen off the cancer, my life has become primarily about making sure it doesn't return. The Tamoxifen and Zoladex (which I explained more here) have properly kicked in, and I'm currently experiencing the full force of menopausal symptoms. I have a couple of hot flushes every hour during the day, and several times at night, which is waking me up 3-4 times every night. I'm struggling a little with how this is affecting my sleep, so I'm trying to do as much as I can to reduce the impact they have on me. (I've also decided that 'hot flushes' is a ridiculous name for them. More like 'power surges' -- honestly they are so full on!) I'm doing a 4-week self-guided CBT course to try to reduce their impact and frequency, and I've even bought a 'lady magnet', a small magnet that you wear attached to your undies which, in some women, reduces the severity of hot flushes (I told you I'd try anything!). At the Bart's menopause clinic they have prescribed me with some anti-hypertension drugs which reduce hot flushes as a side effect. But I'm just going to wait a few weeks before taking them, preferring first to see if I can do something more natural. They are absolutely horrid though, and I can see how they are quite debilitating, especially in a work situation. It's so difficult to describe them but it's almost as if your bodily temperature gauge is broken, and your temperature oscillates between freezing and boiling all through the day and night. Because my sleep is being so interrupted, I'm having to try to ensure I have many hours in bed each night, in order that I can get as much sleep as possible just to feel rested.
I also received a phone call from my GP practice, saying that they knew I'd come to the end of my active treatment, and that they were now responsible for my care, so did I want to come in and have a chat? Quite astonishing, how pro-active they are! So I went to see my GP (who is lovely) and she helped me out with a few things. She's referred me for a DEXA scan (a bone density scan) so I can see how my bones are faring, and she's referred me for some counselling, to help me make sure my mental health is holding up after a challenging year. I feel as though I've done really well so far, but I'm finding it hard to deal with the affects of the drugs on my body, the sleepless nights, and the lingering fatigue. Everyone thinks I'm 'done with cancer' and well again, but I'm still going through a lot, and trying really hard to maintain my strength and positivity. It's starting to take its toll, so I figured a few sessions with a professional wouldn't go amiss. I'm also probably putting a little too much pressure on myself to quickly get back to some kind of 'normality', when I should instead be gentle with myself and allow a long and effective convalescence. It's just so hard when I feel I've pressed the 'pause' button on life for so long already, and I'm itching to get back into the swing of things.
The GP also recommended some retail therapy. No, really! I was talking about how I was trying to lose my treatment weight but it was taking its sweet time (2.5kg down, 7.5kg to go!) and she said 'why don't you go out and buy some new clothes, so you feel good about yourself'. I took her literally and bought a cute little pinafore dress.
We have just come back from our first holiday post-treatment, a week in Nice in the South of France. It was a perfect way to relax after this last year, and we really enjoyed the early Spring sunshine on our skin as we explored the Riviera. We bought a book called 'Walk and Eat near Nice' and we did a few of the walks in it, taking a bus to quaint nearby villages and walking through the mountains back towards Nice, admiring the spectacular views of the coast and exploring ancient forts and medieval towns. We also ate some fabulous food and I caught up on sleep. Heavenly!
I also thought I'd give you an update on my chemo blanket project. Some of you may remember that I decided to teach myself how to crochet at the beginning of my chemotherapy. This was because I wanted to do something to pass the time while recovering from each round of chemo, that wasn't too taxing on the brain. I bought a copy of 'The Happy Hooker' and taught myself some different techniques. I started with some simple granny squares and graduated to some more complicated ones, with multiple colours. Then I eventually stitched them all together. It's only a small blanket which I've draped over the back of the sofa, but I'm really proud of it, and can see my progression in it. I'm now moving onto another project for a friend, so watch this space!
