Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, 'When I read a good book I wish that my
life were three thousand years long'. As many of you know, I'm an avid reader
(I'm on Goodreads here) so one of my random thoughts over the last
couple of weeks has been: 'Gosh, I need to become more selective about what I
choose to read, as time may be short, and there are so many books still
unread'. I think that was my slightly circuitous way of expressing a new
awareness of my own mortality.
Until now, my mortality has been a fairly abstract thought. Of course,
it's not a new idea: we all know that we will die someday, but it's not until
this moment that I believe I've truly understood the concept. Perhaps this
sounds a little cliched, but once you stare death in the face, the world
appears completely different. Even if I had ever tried to intellectualise it
before, I could not grasp its true meaning.
And it manifests itself in different ways. This weekend, we are heading
to Heidelberg for a short break, to visit some of my family who live there.
Over breakfast I was explaining to Tanai that my uncle Paul retired last year,
and I'm looking forward to finding out more about how he is enjoying his
retirement. Last time I visited Heidelberg he was just about to finish his job
and was planning to pursue all sorts of interests with his new-found free time.
Tanai ruminated on the subject of retirement, and concluded that he, too, is
looking forward to retiring, and the freedom it will bring. Suddenly I paused,
and thought: 'I hope I'm still around when you retire so that we can enjoy it
together'. This feels quite shocking for me: I've never been maudlin, or
thought extensively about my own death, and to experience these reactions is
new to me. When I shared my thoughts with Tanai he confessed he'd also felt
similar things recently. Often, we will talk over breakfast or dinner about our
plans or dreams for the future. And yet, recently, we have both (consciously or
subconsciously) avoided discussing too many dreams far into the future. We
cannot say for certainty what our dreams or plans are for when we are old, as
we no longer know we will be old together.
This is not to say I've suddenly become morose or convinced I will die
soon. I remain pragmatic and optimistic and keen to overcome this new setback,
but it's still an interesting revelation. I suppose I'm now aware of a
potentially changed timetable; a sense of urgency where before I felt I had plenty
of time left to do the things I want to do, and for Tanai and I to have all the
adventures we wish to have together. I suspect it will lead to a reassessment
of my priorities. I understand now why many people who have beaten cancer have
a renewed sense of vigour, and often completely change their direction in life.
Therefore, it has brought about a time of contemplation in me. I have been
reflecting on where I am in my life, and how I feel about my life choices.
Happily, I think there is very little I would change. I'm feeling
fulfilled in my job, my studies, my relationship and (for the little time left
over for it) my social life. I have a huge capacity for friendship and cherish
my friendships with people all over the world. Of course I'd love to have more
time and money to see more of my friends more often, but I do as well as I can.
I'm glad I took a gap year a couple of years ago and
fed my soul with some solo travel. And I'm finding my masters degree incredibly
rewarding. I don't have regrets and can't point to something significant that I
wish to change. I suspect the impact of this growing awareness will be more
subtle, and perhaps more fundamental.
Essentially, life feels to me more precious, more fragile than it did
before. Moments are imbued with more value, and I do not wish to waste any of
them. Therefore, I don’t want to spend my waking moments scrolling through a
litany of Trump’s latest imbecilic actions, or frittering away evenings on
things I’m only half-hearted about: instead I wish to use the days of my life
wisely. Yes, I wish to read good books; to be absorbed in great art and
culture; to travel to new places; to spend time researching things that
interest me, seeking new knowledge, wrapping my brain around concepts and
discovering great writers and thinkers. I wish to spend delightful weekends
experimenting in the kitchen with my favourite sous-chef. To enjoy long,
languorous evenings drinking wine and talking shit with my wonderful
friends.
Life is a series of choices, and suddenly I’ve become a lot more
selective about what I shall choose.
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