New considerations

Last night we had a huge fundraising event at work, our biannual gala which raises a significant amount of the budget we need to do our charitable work. It's one of those events where everyone spends months working their arses off in the lead-up, and then in one night it's all over! It's a glittery, starry affair, featuring entertainment and a fancy dinner, and the fundraising elements include a live auction, a silent auction and a raffle.

It was only when I was trying to decide on my outfit that I realised that I ran the risk of having nothing to wear. The dressings from my most recent biopsies extended out into my cleavage and quite high on my chest, and almost all of my 'dressy' dresses are V-neck or at least a little bit cleavage-revealing. I suppose I've always opted for flaunting my assets (ie dresses that accentuate my lovely boobs and small waist) and hiding my bum/thighs (I often have a very 50s style). In fact, I found only 2 frocks which had a high enough neckline to cover the dressings and not cling to, and therefore reveal, the pressure bandages! Hmmmm, I hope a complete wardrobe change is not required in the future. So I popped one on, slapped on a bit of make-up and pepped myself up for the evening.

Pre-event toilet selfie!

I had actually toyed with the notion of bowing out and not working the event, but I'm really glad I persuaded myself to go. It was a fascinating evening and so intriguing to see a live auction in action! Part of the reason I wavered was because my manager took me off the official list of helpers, so I didn't have a specific task for the evening. I'm sure she was doing this to protect me, to make me feel like I wasn't pressured into coming if I didn't want to, and to prepare me for the inevitability of the future, where I will probably have to duck out of work events and projects, but it actually ended up making me quite upset. I felt as though I was being pushed out before I even have my prognosis, as though she is being practical and taking me off projects already, knowing that I will probably be out of action work-wise in just a few weeks, or because she now sees me as unreliable. I take so much pride in my work, and I'm so dedicated to my job and my team, I took this quite badly, feeling useless and unappreciated. I know this is my own issue, and I'm extremely grateful to my workplace for being so flexible and understanding about my diagnosis, but I couldn't help my emotional response.

The other new feelings I felt during the evening were about the fact that a small handful of people at work now know about my diagnosis, even though I've not made it completely public. So a couple of them came up to me during the event and discreetly said lovely things like 'I heard your news, I'm so sorry'. I wasn't prepared for how much this would hit me: I felt a prickling behind my eyes, the shock of hearing the news anew. I know they mean well, and again, I'm so grateful for their support and positive wishes, but it's a new feeling for me to be on the receiving end of this sympathy; this pity. I was then very conscious for the rest of the evening of the differentiation between those colleagues who know and those who don't. I felt self-conscious when smiling or laughing with colleagues or guests, and being observed by people who knew my news. And the worst of it was, feeling terrible for the potential negative impact my presence had on those who knew. I started to think that perhaps I had been taken off the list not for my own sake, but for the sake of others. Those who don't wish to be reminded of my situation. Those who don't want a dampener put on a celebratory, fun evening.

I'm sure this isn't the case, but I'm intrigued by these new feelings, these new considerations, and I'm committed to documenting this journey with honesty, so there it is. Let's see how these feelings progress as my news becomes more widely known, and if I develop better coping mechanisms as I repeatedly experience the response of others. I know I somehow have to try to find a way of prioritising self-care over protecting the feelings of others. I think this is going to be quite a challenge.

In the end, I snuck off shortly after midnight, when the evening was winding down and the staff were starting to feel relieved of their duties. I know that the night kicked on until quite late, but I just wasn't feeling it. In a way I wish I'd summoned up the energy to celebrate and dance with my colleagues, but these complex new thoughts are somewhat getting in the way of unbridled enjoyment.