In limbo

I don't think any days in my life have ever felt as though they are passing as s.l.o.w.l.y. as the last few days... Today is Tuesday and I still have 3 more days until I go back to St Bart's for my test results. I've been keeping myself busy at work and at home, and the wounds from the biopsies are slowly starting to heal. I've been cancelling most of my social arrangements and just keeping things low-key. Tanai and I have been coming home, cooking yummy, healthy dinners and having a quiet few days. We didn't even leave the flat once on Sunday! Lazy. But it feels good, I am looking after myself, trying to prepare myself for what's coming, and taking some time to talk things over with Tanai.

Although I've decided not to tell people until I have my proper diagnosis, I have reached out to a couple of friends who I know have experienced similar things. One friend's mum has just been diagnosed with cancer for the third time, and she was really supportive and made me feel less shit about burdening my friends with my news. Another friend had a tumour herself, and she told me she threw a 'reasons to be cheerful' party before her surgery (an idea which I'm sure I will steal!). And another friend in Australia whose mum had breast cancer and kicked its arse, has recommended me a book about the choices you have to make, and being informed when you make those choices. I'm about a quarter of the way through that book, and it's definitely helping me feel more informed. Tanai has been doing some research too, and I'm hoping he will ask most of the questions on Friday. He is a scientist after all, and approaches these things in a different way to me! Between us we have our bases covered.

Things we have been talking about this week:

Q) How do I feel about having one or both breasts removed?
A) To  be honest I am okay with that. I would rather be alive with no boobs than the alternative! And actually, although I have great boobs (they're really great, F cup, inorite!) they don't define me, and I certainly wouldn't feel any less of a woman without one or both of them. I had to read some of Audre Lorde's cancer journals for my masters studies recently, and she is pretty dismissive of boob reconstruction and the prosthetic industry. I would probably put something in my bra just to avoid being too lopsided (mainly to prevent others from feeling awkward!) but I'm not interested in having a fake boob, or preserving nipples or anything. Tanai agrees, luckily. Of course he likes my boobs, but he likes me even more.

Q) What about losing my hair?
A) Again, I'd just roll with whatever came. I have great hair, too, really thick and lush, but if I lost it, so what. I'd just get my friends to come over and teach me how to wear fabulous head scarves, or get some cute wigs. I've rocked short hair before, I can do it again.

We've also talked a lot about how to tell people. Tanai told his parents, which was tough. They both live in Colombia and don't speak English, so it's kind of hard for me to speak with them about this. But they are giving us both all their good thoughts and healing vibes. The thing I'm most worried about when I tell people is that they will start to treat me differently, or pity me. Urgh. I wonder how I can tell people while also guiding them to feel as strong and positive as I am trying to be. To still treat me like they normally do, and to not be afraid of saying anything that makes me upset (indeed, to not be afraid of me getting upset!). I think this is something I need to work on over the next few days.

After my biopsy I had dressings on my right breast which I was not allowed to get wet for a few days. I had to kneel on the bathroom floor while Tanai washed my hair over the bath. And I've been getting him to photograph my boobs each day as the bruise spreads, so that I have a document of everything. The bruising is pretty spectacular, all the colours of the rainbow! He is being incredibly supportive. Our relationship is relatively young, by most people's standards (we only met just over a year ago, and got married after 4 months, eloping to Vegas! Ha ha) but we are so close and I think this experience will probably bring us closer. We are having to have quite confronting conversations, and we have cried more in this last week than during the entire rest of our relationship, but we are being very open and honest with each other, gentle with each other, and hopefully this experience won't be too much of a strain on our relationship. It's not what we were expecting! Hell, we have 3 holidays booked this year that we may not be able to go on, but we'll just deal with it, and postpone some of our dreams.

I also told our head of HR at work, as I have to come up with a plan about how I am going to tell my team. She is amazing in general anyway, but in this instance was so helpful, supportive and wise. I didn't know but she has had personal experience with this, so not only is she supporting me in a professional way, but giving me very practical, specific advice too. I feel so grateful that I have so many wise, supportive people around me, and I know that once I spread my news wider, a strong support network will form around me to help me with this.

One of the other knock-on effects is that I'm being a little more conscious of my impact on others. I would say I'm quite a direct, sometimes brusque, person, and I don't suffer fools gladly. But over the last few days I have been more thoughtful of the time I give to others. The words of praise, encouragement. I feel as though I'm shedding some self-consciousness about being honest, and understanding with more acute awareness the emotional impact my actions have on others. It's a subtle change, because I think I kind of do this anyway, but it's an interesting discovery to note.

Okay, back to the waiting game...